It has been 13 years since I kissed her last breath away. How do I feel. ?
I am ok. Is that wrong ? How dare I. Should I stay in bed all day and refuse to engage? How does that honor her? Sometimes I feel her slipping away. I lose the connection I so desperately want to feel. And then I see a butterfly or I am in the bookstore and the authors name is Emma or I see June 3 as a significant date in a book or article I am reading. Because it is a significant date. So much joy that day. What has changed? My whole being. I know to others I am defined by her death. The before and after. But the scars of her. Of her existence have been imprinted on me since conception. She still remains. Her dna. Her essence still is within me. So I carry on. I experience joy. I experience pain. Sadness. Happiness all of it. We are messy being human. But my girl, my joy. She is still walking this path with me. So how do i feel today ? I feel the passing of time. The settling in of the rest of my life. Carrying her inside and watching the wonder of life unfold. One day at a time. The marking of time is weird. Today marks 13 years. But. What is tomorrow? What was yesterday? They are all the same. I still have to keep on living this life until I join her. So I will. I feel gratitude. That she existed. That I am her mom. Her smile. Her eyes. They are forever imprinted in my mind. So. Keep guiding me my girl. Show me how to appreciate all the world has to offer. Keep me humble. Grateful. Kind. Understanding. There is no room for bitter or regret or hate. There is not enough air because it is filled with so much love. I will always love you my Emma. Soar high and keep watching till I get that big squeeze hug I am missing.
Today i took
A pause.
A minute to breathe.
To slow down to be intentional.
I got my toes painted. I asked for a blue butterfly. With glitter. I know it is small but i feel like i connected a bit. It made me smile. Didn’t see the sunrise due to clouds. But saw the sunset on a day I dread. But today was ok. I am ok. Oh and there was a rainbow. Thanks for being you Emma.
Always grateful.., Emma’s mom. #loveneverdies.
I am ok. Is that wrong ? How dare I. Should I stay in bed all day and refuse to engage? How does that honor her? Sometimes I feel her slipping away. I lose the connection I so desperately want to feel. And then I see a butterfly or I am in the bookstore and the authors name is Emma or I see June 3 as a significant date in a book or article I am reading. Because it is a significant date. So much joy that day. What has changed? My whole being. I know to others I am defined by her death. The before and after. But the scars of her. Of her existence have been imprinted on me since conception. She still remains. Her dna. Her essence still is within me. So I carry on. I experience joy. I experience pain. Sadness. Happiness all of it. We are messy being human. But my girl, my joy. She is still walking this path with me. So how do i feel today ? I feel the passing of time. The settling in of the rest of my life. Carrying her inside and watching the wonder of life unfold. One day at a time. The marking of time is weird. Today marks 13 years. But. What is tomorrow? What was yesterday? They are all the same. I still have to keep on living this life until I join her. So I will. I feel gratitude. That she existed. That I am her mom. Her smile. Her eyes. They are forever imprinted in my mind. So. Keep guiding me my girl. Show me how to appreciate all the world has to offer. Keep me humble. Grateful. Kind. Understanding. There is no room for bitter or regret or hate. There is not enough air because it is filled with so much love. I will always love you my Emma. Soar high and keep watching till I get that big squeeze hug I am missing.
Today i took
A pause.
A minute to breathe.
To slow down to be intentional.
I got my toes painted. I asked for a blue butterfly. With glitter. I know it is small but i feel like i connected a bit. It made me smile. Didn’t see the sunrise due to clouds. But saw the sunset on a day I dread. But today was ok. I am ok. Oh and there was a rainbow. Thanks for being you Emma.
Always grateful.., Emma’s mom. #loveneverdies.
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